Thursday, May 29, 2008


This will sound very bizarre but I always wonder what people do for fun. I am sitting watching the wind blow the red leaves on the tree across the street, knowing it is a gorgeous day outside, around 75 degrees. I am inside looking at the computer screen. I have waited all winter for this weather, and it is finally here, and I don't know what to do about it. To step outside makes me feel almost naked, without the house to protect me. I am not sure what I am needing protection from. What is truly ironic about this problem, is that more and more I feel a tug to go out among the trees, in the forest and just walk. Look at the ants, watch the bugs, move branches. But I have no forest in my home, and my home is not in the forest, so I am not sure how to solve this vexing problem. I want to camp, and hike, and fish and trail blaze. I want to canoe and play at the edge of the water. I have never camped, outside of one time at Girls Scouts which was a miserable disaster. I don't know really anything about actual hiking. I don't know anything about fishing. Yet, there it is. This desire, this very strong desire. I also watched Into the Wild last night, and I was so jealous of him, for just dropping all responsibilities and just going. I understood how he felt when he made it back into the city for the first time, the overwhelming sounds and lights and people. Before I got married I lived in a few different places, everywhere I lived was in about a 5 hour radius from my birthplace. I felt like a gypsy, feeling the urge to move every year or so. Now I have a house and children, a husband. How does a gypsy sit tight? Hold still, not move, grow roots into a ground that doesn't feel right? I suppose you just do and know that the time will come when the roots can be cut and you can burst forth from the imaginary cell you have been in.

These feelings get heightened whenever I return from my sister's house who lives out in the middle of the hills, on many many acres of forested land. The air is so clean, and human created time doesn't seem to pass at all. Just laying in the grass is enough to satisfy me for hours there, whereas here, I am always wondering what more there is. The sound of the highway always jars me out of my thoughts, or the sound of the neighbors door banging shut. There, the only sound is the sound of birds, the breeze and the stream. I took a few photographs while I was at my sisters, some of my children, some of life in general.

These photos haven't been retouched, and some of them could use it. The colors are a little muted, and there is not a lot of contrast. It's very likely I had it on the wrong setting, which is what happened over the weekend. I would like to submit photos to contests, but I know I have a long way to go before I can do that!!
I think what it boils down to, is that in every aspect of my life I feel something tugging me back. I feel like I have an elastic band connecting me to some unseen point. I can go forward and back and all around, but only to a certain point and then I get yanked back. I will have to find some scissors, and cut myself free somehow.

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